Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
- The Carpenters
"straight ahead ! straight ahead!" -winks at pris & vic !
yiss was wow ! i really have no idea how to express it. i mean, im thinking of words that can describe the feeling i have but all the words do not seem to express the real feeling i have. heh. the words seem so small and meaningless. okay lets just say it was an amazing experience.
you'll never imagine how afraid i was until i met russell at CSC. he totally introduced me to the whole world (okay yes im exaggerating). thats when i met Rebecca, Cheryl(my facil) and many many others. went to register and met Antonia (laughs and coughs). she was so bubbblllyyy. heh (: she was the one who called me regarding the camp and i couldnt get her name right. okay i wont go into so much detail but i tell you, the hospitality people are really really hospitable ! :D love you guys ! and yes, Winston ! haha. he was some crazy guy who just came(: hilarious. thankyou people !
i wont start telling you what happened in detail. that whole testimony thing, gosh im quite freaked out about it. i dont know how i actually could feel & hear such stuff. and russ, sorry about the cheesiness of it all. thats what i felt and eeeee, i've no idea why ! haha. and beckyy ! yo babe(: you totally calmed and soothed me. thankyou !
alright, im still really overwhelmed by everything that happened. i know it's going to go away soon enough but i've just gotta try to stay on the right path. man, i've never felt so freeeee. heh. i hope everyone who went for the camp felt as good.
HAPPY BELATED FATHER'S DAY (:
to all the father's out there !
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BECKY (:
you know i love you babe ! thanks for everything.
would just like to give a shout out to russ !
thankyou, rlly. the camp wouldnt have been so wow if not for you.
you being there was comforting.
at least i knew i had someone to turn to when i felt lost.
that 45min quiet time talk extended long (:
and ahem, it's just funny when i think about everything we talked about.
-coughs :D
good luck at that ! you know i think it's cool (:
ask and you shall receive.
let your heart out.
how dumb ?
but i did it so that i could get home fast. i needed to come home for my family conference (: sounds good ?
yes, my family's split into many many different places. it's difficult for us to organise such conferences so i guess this time, it was important. (at least to me it was) i used my phone cos i knew didi needed to go off soon, and i couldnt wait to get home. not that ive alot of money. ohbut wait, youre paying the bill arent you mummy ! :D
you know, when your family is split up in many many places, your heart & your mind has got to work together. your heart will tell your mind what you need the most (at that point in time) then your mind just kind of pictures the scene. imagines it happening. nothing will happen if your heart doesnt try to feel tho. it's difficult for both to connect, but just imagine... when your heart & your mind actually do connect, the feeling is amazing.
but i guess it's tough for you to be able to feel what your mind's thinking if you've not actually felt it before. confusing ? heh. okay lets see... for example, everytime im feeling down & i just need someone there to comfort me, i'll picture my mum(grace) patting my head. just soothing me. gosh it rlly feels good okay. and i guess i can literally feel her patting me, and all my worries just leave me (at least for a while).
it's easier for me to be able to feel her patting me, soothing me cos she has done it before. and i tell you, the feeling hasnt left. you know what i mean ? everytime i picture it in my head, i literally can feel it like as if she was rlly there to pat me. haha. okay im weird.
maybe it's just in the blood, you know what i mean ? can feeellll each other. heh (:
i still love you even tho i dont feel it's the right time to tell you about the blog entry ! heh.
nobody said it was easy
let your heart out.
i was given the task of finding the meaning of that word.
why am i so affected ?
im not making sense. im a complicating person. officially.
they are all ultimately alone.
somehow they remind me of me.
let your heart out.
we were camwhoring at sentosa, as usual. it was real fun there i guess. even tho i was tired out from the outing with my family, i had crystal & gang there who never failed to make me laugh until my stomach ached. bad. haha(: i was thinking of posting up the pictures but my, i'm too lazy to do so. i'll think about it. i want to go back to Prison Break.
wednesday is probably going to be one of those times i'll remember. i went out with my family. ohboy, it's been a long time. guess im really one who just feels. takes it all in. i dont say much. i enjoyed myself through & through. being with you guys were enough. i had new names. long names. sabrina tried gong gongs for the first time. that was good(: went Ikea and met that boy ! he is cute. he was so oblivious to the fact that I was looking at him. /:
Pasir Ris Park was the funnest thing ever. guess we had a deprived childhood. the climbing, the swinging. Everything ! (but thats why my whole body is aching now ! i so didnt stretch !) i think that was the best time. just quietly swinging, filling each other in with stories that we all missed out through the past few months. my, thats what i like best dont i ? just the quiet sharing sessions. thats what i learnt about myself.
didi & i tried writing something on the sand. but it was darkk, the sand was disgusting and we couldnt quite make out what we saw. so thats why we didnt show you. to know that you'll be touched to see it is more than enough(: i went to sentosa and i did it when there was sunlight. so it came out nice. i'll post it up for you.
what i dont get is how you can be so oblivious to whats going on around you.
now i understand why you dont quite get many many things.
stop questioning. ive no more answers for you.
i get very very affected by the smallest things. the most meaningless words can hurt me bad.
jokes and sarcasm are sometimes taken for real.
i dont know whats wrong with me. anyone care to share ?
what you said hurt. alot. alot. alot. lets say it hurt more cos it came from you.
but thats what i dont get about myself.
i jolly well know what you think of me but yet i get hurt.
-slaps myself.
i should not get affected cos i know what you said was true.
(at least thats what i think of myself)
i dont know who to believe.
you ? you ? you ? you ?
should i believe those that keeps my hopes up high, those that continue to encourage me
or
those that bring me down, those who continuously break and crush me.
gawd. i feel like a small ant.
i seem big & strong, i can carry loads that're i've no idea how much heavier than i am.
but yet, im so easily crushed. just like that. and im gone. gone for good.
i cant do anything. my confidence level is running low.
man, how insecure can i ever get ?
thank you for your assurance. but just that five words crushed me.
it came from her. and that made it worse. i rlly didnt expect her to say it.
it probably meant nothing to her. it was just five extra words to complete the damn sentence.
but ouch. that five words made me feel so so so so lousy.
it's still hurting, i dont think i'll ever forget it.
there's no way im ever gg to do what i used to do.
maybe in a big big big group when i can be hidden and when no one can ever spot me.
but now im afraid, now the thought of having more memories created with you guys scares me.
what kind of memories will that be, boy ! scary memories that will haunt me ?
more horrible words and phrases that will just come out of your mouth unnoticed ?
bleahh- i dont know you. did you mean what you said ?
of course you did. i know you did. i kinda considered everything. i think it meant something.
at least i know you did think of that. just that youve kept it inside.
BUT, tell me.
why do you put up a fake front then ?
just tell me. dont give me false hopes. dont give me face just cos you need to.
it was the worst time for me to find out the truth you know that ? the way you weaved it into the sentence.
gosh you're good. you're really good.
okay i'll give you the benefit of the doubt. you probably didnt even know you said it.
but ouch, something that seems so meaningless to you actually meant the world to me.
(worst is, it's not in a good way)
dont ever do such a thing again please.
and and and, i need to explain myself.
the reason was not because i didnt dare tell you.
it was because i wanted you to continue what you were doing. you seemed to be having fun. you love doing those things.
i know you do.
i didnt want to destroy your wonderful times.
i didnt want to spoil your perfect thingo.
i know if i went, everything'll just be destroyed. it wouldnt be the perfect thing you wanted.
(dont disagree. cos i know you know and we know that im making sense)
i know you guys want to console me, assure me. but because it came from her, i know it's the truth.
plus plus, it wasnt said once. it was said more than once.
not the same words, not at the same time but at least everything weaved together linked to make the picture so perfect.
everything made sense and each sentence provided more 'evidence'.
as a lit student, i ask myself why that word was chosen etc etc. and i guess it just shows that everything's true.
ouch, the truth hurts. i know myself, but ive been living in self-denial. i think i'd like to go back there.
those five words.
that sentence.
you'll never believe the major contrasting effect it had on me.
the first part of the sentence was so full of praise, it made me feel good about myself. at least i did something right.
then the five words came like arrows straight into my heart.
the words of praise, the way they looked up to me was no longer important.
they kind of got cancelled out ?
it was like as if it wasnt even said.
the five words took the whole meaning of the sentence.
it was the 'all-important' part of the sentence.
okay i dont think im making any sense at all.
you might not understand.
neither will you.
you is such a general word.
and for this, im happy.
there're zillions of you-s used here.
which you are you now ?
do you know how much i like using this small font ?
i've this feeling of calm & peace.
i think i'm rlly insecure.
i like hiding behind.
going away unnoticed.
but at times, i dont think thats true.
i like to be noticed & cared for.
im a confusing person. im contradicting myself.
honestly, i forgive you & you & you.
even i dont know myself.
how do i expect you to ?
i treasure you & you & you.
you dont know how much i'll do for you.
thats probably why im so hurt.
i think maybe it was a wrong choice.
i looked forward to it, but just got crushed instead.
for you:
you know why i dont tell you stuff ?
do you ever wonder ?
maybe you dont. maybe im not important to you as i thought i was.
sometimes, i just like people to agree with me.
even tho how much you think im wrong, just agree with me.
till im in a better state of mind to rationalise & think.
when im full of emotions, dont come trying to make sense.
i'll just shove you away.
guess thats whats been happening.
thats why i'd rather keep stuff to myself.
i pick what to tell you & what not to tell you.
maybe thats why you dont know me.
and thats where all these problems originate.
gawd. why's everything so confusing ? /:
i really didnt expect this post to come out like this but guess it did. guess i've not been able to shove those five words away. it was such secondary info, you know ? if it was such secondary info, could you have just kept it to yourself ? my, sorry im taking this tone with you.
okay, i need to go back to viewing my pictures from photobucket. it'll cheer me up. (hopefully) will crying help ?
i think i've been so busy with council and everything else. i dont know why but i suddenly feel ive drifted from many. and i'd like to thank ameerun for always being there for me even tho our outings are always 'post-poned' thanks to council. thank you :D i'll do many things for you too. (i missed some meeting for 173's outing) heh. and cho ! everytime we meet it's about council, miss those times we just sit down and chat. guess you've found ameerun. a person you can talk to(: thats good thats good. whenever you need me, im just a phone call away. oh wait, i forgot daryl too. okay, whenever none of them are free then.
guess im closer to vic&crystal in a way. maybe cos vic&i are typical romantics(: yes our quotes nonstop. crystal's my qin ai de ! im locked up by her. ive to seek her permission to go out. i'll probably stick by that. loves to you people <3
Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worst?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
i speak with my heart.
let your heart out.
those two idiots. they were annoying. i think i've ran out of water to ever cry again. i dont know how i managed to continue carrying out the camp the next day. heh. but whatever to those two idiots.
i had my mummy to complain to. yay(: i really felt so good after complaining. thank you :D
i had the excos there for me. thank you :D
i had the concerned councillors there. thank you :D
i had wonderful supportive seniors who helped clean up the mess. thank you :D
guess without those two idiots spoiling everything, we wouldnt have realised how sweet the seniors were. you guys are amazing ! without the whole thing, the juniors might not have bonded with us as much. a blessing in disguise ?
i feel that we achieved what we wanted to achieve. so yay(: im sorry i didnt write affirmations to everyone. i really didnt have the time&energy to write anything.
i received warm fuzzys from some of you. thank you :D
to the juniors&trainees:
i hope that the talk cheryl&i did was useful. hope it'll help you in future !
in school i really thought i had so much i wanted to complain about. but guess after today, i didnt exactly feel the same hatred i felt towards them. of course, i think i'll still have this awkward tension with her but i dont think i hate her as much as i did that day. the feelings i had today were so wow that i think the feeling of anger is lost. yay for that !
i'd really like to thank the choir peeps ! esp. my family(: oh wait, almost all of you are my family. haha. okay that was retarded. but guess i feel comfortable around them at least. gosh, i miss you guys millions ! to hear you all come together to sing again was really ohmygosh-ing. haha. i dont know how to express the feelings i felt in words. sitting with the rest of the congregation and listening to each of you sing was _____________. and the entertainment was great. thanks to melvyn the slut :D haha. it was great. i sat in the black car. -claps&rejoices. haha.
oh, i just thought of someone else i need to thank. russell ! haha. for the trouble you went through to ask for the script ! thank you :D remember to count me in if you need people next year yah ! i'll try to help(:
okay, i'm feeling happy now. so i'm not ranting(:
hey you ! cheer up(: you cant be down cos youre the one i look for when im sad, remember ? so if youre down too, i cant look for you anymore. heh(: smile smile. glad that i managed to force a smile out of you just by sending that message. stay happy please. loves <3>
God is good :D -thinks of melvyn singing.
let your heart out.
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